I'd like ta welcome ya'll ta FCoGW Fridee number tree! I'm DJ Seedy wit' my homeys, Nitsuj an' "Diamond" Joe. Hey boys.
Hey there DJ, I think tonight will be fabulous for the fed because we are having a four way match for the FCoGW Tag Conquerors belts.
We also got the Doc's jobber stable opening and being introduced to us all. He's done this so we can have more matches, and fill out the Regal Ruckus.
We'll also see the Man in a hardcore match with one of those jobbers. Also Abe and a jobber before the main event for those belts.
Well, right now, I reckon we better git down ta da Doc, fo' his new stable!
Well, tonight we introduce to you the latest stable in the FCoGW. It will be run by me, Dr. Zeus Xavier. It is to enable more matches for you fans to see. But more so we can get our first Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers Global Champion under way.
The owner and commissioner has just announced there will be a Regal Ruckus soon.
Oh man, this is gonna be great! Are the jobbers going to be in it?
I think so.
I'll now hand you over to Jesse Springer, our announcer guy, to introduce them all.
Coming in at 331 pounds, 6 feet and 1 inch, from Miami, Florida. Slobber D. Jobber! ("Raindrops keep fallin' on my head" by John Farnham plays. A man in a jeans, red t-shirt and a bib saying "Zeus for President", comes rambling down the runway.)
From St. Julien, France, weighing 216 pounds, accompanied by Fi-Fi Poodle, Jean-Pierre Jobb�ur! (French national anthem plays. A man wearing a stripey shirt, black pants and a Frenchy hat walks out with a poodle. Also wearing the hat and shirt.)
From Amarillo, Texas, weighing 198 pounds, at a height of 5'11", Jobber Wayne! ("Man Who Shot Liberty Vallance" by Regurgitator plays, a cowboy walks out.)
And finally from Albertville in Canada, weighing 164 pounds, Robber D. Jobber! ("Keep on Searching" by the Brady Kids out of the Brady Movie. A man with a balaclava, tracksuit, sneakers and an exercise bag supposedly filled with cash comes out.)
Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you, the Elite Jobbers! (Crowd clap, some guy cheers but his mum tells him to shut-up.)
What an interesting group, to put it politely.
I now announce to you that next week will be Regal Ruckus '99. It will spectacular and here are the special rules for it. The way to disqualfy an opponent is to execute your finisher on them. A wrestler will come in every minute and everyone is included except for those who are signed during the week, they'll be put in debut matches. Well, I'm now announcing the positions each wrestler will come in to the ring. Where's my secretary, Nitsuj?
Hang on a second fellas!
Did you remember the hat? I mean random wrestler generator?
Um, yes I did sir. (Nitsuj pulls out a hat with "Random Wrestler Generator" written on the side.)
Position number one, Hawaiian Harry!
Position number two, Loose Change!
Position number three, Hawaiian Harvey!
Position number four, President Kowalski!
Position number five, Munchy Man!
Position number six, Alex Wood!
Position number seven, Abe!
Position number eight, Jean-Pierre Jobbeur!
Position number nine, Robber D. Jobber!
Position number ten, the Bullseye Kid!
Position number eleven, Sitcom Sam!
Position number twelve, J.L. Dollars!
Position number thirteen, Slobber D. Jobber!
Position number fourteen, Jobber Wayne!
Position number fifteen, the Man!
Thanks Doc, who's your tip for the belt? We are all dying to know.
I'd be happy to see one of my boys win. But they're only jobbers so I dunno, who's your tip?
Looking at the form he's been having it'd be hard to go past the Man in the final position.
Look, it's always hard, but if you do pick up the best position in the Regal Ruckus you're a sure fire winner, but not always.
You mentioned special rules, the finisher elimination process, what's with that?
I know that there's a few people out there that love watching just for the fininsher, and well, it's an interesting style of wrestling, we all wanna see them.
Any last words before we go back to the card?
I'd like to say a quick hello to my mum and my best friend Gerard. Hi!
Yes, okay then, back to you DJ Seedy.
Um, well, dat's sure ta be excitin', are we ready ta start now, homeys?
Um, yes, bro!
Yo' pickin' my heritage, feller, coz I'ma gonna kick yo' ass if y'are!
Yes I am. Now shuddap an' sit down before I make you!
Yessir!
We now go down to Jesse for the first match!
This is a hardcore match set for one fall. From New York, New York. Accompanied by Miss D-Vine, the Man! ("Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate plays. Great pop. He kisses sexy chicks again, a guy tries to kiss him so he gives him a DDT, more pop.)
From Miami, Florida, representing the Elite Jobbers, Slobber D. Jobber! ("Raindrops keep fallin' on my head" by John Farnham plays. He walks out with the commissioner behind him. Good pop, probably for the commissioner.)
DING! DING!
We're under way here as the Man throws Slobber over the top rope and he hits the pop-corn boy!
Fine DDT by the pop-corn boy as he throws Slobber back at the Man.
Slobber D is really takin' a beatin' here by da Man!
Did I tell you talk?
No sir!
He's gotta talk or else he's worthless.
Oh yeah! The Man with a hip toss followed by a legdrop.
Slobber pokes the Man in the eyes.
Slobber D frows da Man in da corner. He lookin' fo' da Slime-Bomb.
He's up on the turnbuckle, and he jumps in the air and lands like a cannon-ball on top of the Man.
Wow, jobbers aren't so bad after all.
Slobber D picks up da Man fo' a torture rack but da Man pokes Slobber D in da eye.
Eye for an eye, pint of blood for a pint of blood.
The Man with a spinning toe-hold, lets go and Slobber hits the pop-corn boy again. The boy and Slobber are talking.
That boy is steaming, he's pretty big for a pop-corn boy though. They're pointing at the Man.
Da Man is waitin' patiently fo' his opponent, but looks like da boy is after him now. An' da pop-corn boy is none other dan Hawaiian Harvey.
After the McDonalds here fired him he got a job as the pop-corn boy. He's carrying Slobber into the ring.
It looks like Harvey's telling the Man to watch where he's throwing things. Harvey gives Slobber to the Man and the Man gives Slobber a backbreaker.
Slobber on the mat, the Man gets a chair, and WHAM!
Over da head o' Slobber D. an' da chair is broked. He goes outta da ring fo' anotha weapon an' is dat a fish?
It sure is and if you remember from Fridee 1 the trout n' ladder match between the Man and bLaCk KnIgHt?
Ah, no I wasn't here, I was hangin' wit some otha homeys den.
Oh. Anyway, the Man has the trout, a rotten three week old trout, and he smashes it over Slobber.
I wanna see blood, I wanna see blood! Hang on a tic folks!
Well, I don't believe my eyes, "Diamond" Joe is out dere wit' a fire extinguisher, an' he givin' it to da Man!
SPLAT goes the back of Slobber's head and there's blood everywhere!
Yes, that's what we want to see, lots of blood! Ha ha ha!
Are you sadist o' somethin'?
I've already answered questions about my religion thanks!
Okay den, da Man is executin' da Move an' Slobber D taps out.
Here is your winner, the Man!
Well, that trout really stinks, we can't finish the card in here, this pongs like nothing else!
All I can smell is blood!
Is he always like dis, man? It is real scary bruva!
Yes and we now go down to Jesse for the next match.
From Pahoa, Hawaii, weighing 347 pounds, accompanied by the West Islanders, Abe! ("Surf City Limits" by the Fauves plays. He gets an orinary pop, he looks around at all the Americans with pure hatred.)
From St. Julien, France, accompanied by Fi-Fi Poodle, Jean-Pierre Jobb�ur! (The crowd clap him like they clapped Slobber. The poodle snobs the people, some poodles, humf!)
DING! DING!
Well, this won't take long, my tip's Abe.
What makes yo' say dat?
Coz Jean-Pierre's a jobber!
Oh yeah! Abe hits Frenchy wit' a haymaker an' da Frenchy is down an' out.
Get up you dumb frog!
Jean-Pierre didn't like the call that "Diamond" Joe made and is coming over here. Run Joe.
He's only a jobber, what can he do.
Let's wait an' see. Uh-uh Jean-Pierre, it was Joe!
It wasn't me homey, it was dat nazi dere!
Jean-Pierre gets "Diamond" Joe in a choke-hold and Joe's turning blue.
He's swingin' punches at Jean-Pierre but he ain't strong enough ta take out da power o' Jean-Pierre.
Help......me....I.....can't.....seeee........
An' Joe passes out coz he had no air. Looks like he's one fo' da paramedics.
Well, Jean-Pierre's been counted out and so has Joe. Jean-Pierre, would you care to stay for the main event?
Oui, I would love to, how you say... Um, oh I forget....
Commentate?
I was going to say crap on, but oui, commentate.
You were virtually taken out straight away, was that your plan?
Uh, no, zat was not my plan Monsieur Yssov.
Yo' have a great choker on yo', yo' plan ta use it on opponents an' not pissy litttle commentators?
Oui, I plan to use it on other westlers, oui Monsieur Seedy.
Well, we go down to Jesse for the main event.
This is a four-way tag match for the FCoGW Tag Conquerors title. Representing D-Vine Intervention, weighing a combined weight of 646 pounds, J.L. Dollars and Loose Change, Team Money Bags. ("Stagger Lee" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds plays, great pop. The walk down calmly, acknowledging nobody.)
Their opponents, joiing together so they can have a belt. Alex Wood and Sitcom Sam! ("F@#k the Police"by NWA plays and Sitcom Sam is dressed as Alex. They both walk down, Sam mimmicking Alex, Al pushes him over.)
Accompanied by Abe, a combined weight of 785 pounds, West Islanders! ("Got the Life" plays as Harvey comes from out of the crowd. He's still selling pop-corn. Good pop. Harvey picks up Harry and places him in the ring.)
And finally, the snottiest team in the fed, the Bullseye Kid and Munchy Man, the Haighty Troupe. ("Italian Leather Sofa" plays by Cake as TBK and Munchy Man walk down the runway. Munchy Man shouting expletives at the crowd. TBK ragging him to the ring.)
Well, this ought to be interesting, all eight start in the ring and if you're thrown over the top rope, you are eliminated and the last man from a tag team left, they win the belt.
DING! DING!
And stwaight away, zay thwow out Hawwy, and he's is eliminated!
An' day all go fo' Harvey now, all six men lift him and Harvey's outta contention, the West Islanders, have no chance left now.
Alex and Sam go to work on the Kid but he nails them both with a kick to the groin.
Zoot alors, zat is low, weely low!
Yo' betcha ass it is, as Sam is hit wit' a DDT from Munchy Man. Loose Change chucks the Kid at Al' but Al' catches and throws the Kid at J.L.
J.L. lost his balance and he falls out of de ring.
We have Loose Change left for Team Money Bags as Al charges him but is met with a boot.
Da Kid stands Big Al up an' executes da intention as we see Sammy fly from da top rope an' clothesline L.C.
Munchy Man and Sitcom Sam lock up, Munchy Man kicks Sam in the guts and executes a swinging neck-breaker. Sam's out cold.
Zee Kid hides behind Loose Change and Munchy Man trows Sam at Loose Change, both competitors are out of zee ring.
All we have left are the Bullseye Kid, Munchy Man and Alex Wood.
Zee Bullseye Kid whips Al into zee corner, and follows closely with a wunning shoulder-block!
Munchy Man gives da symbol fo' da Munch! He wiggles a finger on his forehead as da Kid hooks da legs on da ropes.
Here it comes and yow! Diving headbutt to Al's groin. He falls and the Kid stands him up for the intention, a spinning DDT!
And zere it is, both Munchy Man and zee Kid trow out Big Al', zay are zee Conquerors!
Here are your winners and first ever Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers Tag Conquerors, the Haughty Troupe!
I thought that the West Islanders would have won that.
I do not weely care who was zee winner, I'm just ajobber, no?
But yo' da joober who kicked Joe Aardvarks' ass, yo' da man bruva.
That's all from us here at FCoGW Fridee, Im Nitsuj Yssov.
I'm DJ Seedy! We'll see yo' nex' week at Regal Ruckus 99, so long now homeys!
And I'm Jean-Pierre Jobb�ur filling in for somebody, we dunno who, but he'll be new. Ta-ta!